Thursday, September 24, 2009

Be the change

There has been quite a few posts that I have come across lately that have asked the question...How did I get here? What was the catalyst to the weight gain, if known? These questions have prompted me to share my nexus to weight gain.

I think I may have posted before that I really never made any real attempt to lose weight prior to my band. Maybe twice in 20 years and my two successes had other factors....stress and the moving and uprooting of my family to another state....and a cancer scare which resulted in a hysterectomy, both of which resulted in weight loss, albeit short lived. (both turned out okay too) When I got serious this time I knew enough to know I would never be successful if I didn't deal with some things from my past. So, I made a deal to myself to get healthy....Mind, Body & Spirit.

Finding a therapist...not always an easy task. I do suggest that if you seek the help of a therapist that you give it at least 5 sessions to know if they are a good fit or not. Some of the questions and topics may not seem like they have any relevance....but Everything is Relative!
I went through two before I found the one person who put it all together with a nice big bow on top and handed it back to me and said "it is yours, take it and deal with it" and so we did.

Everybody has things that are unprocessed and events that shape them, shape them right into a 20W!
My nexus: alcoholic father who died when I was young, he treated my older siblings (not his children) abusively for 10 years before I was born...however I was not treated that way....I ate that guilt
My brother was killed in a car accident on a night that we were supposed to go horseback riding. I had the hoses ready, he just wanted to go after his paycheck if I remember correctly...If I had just insisted... I ate that guilt. The rape...I ate that guilt too, even if it was not in my control...any of it

I guess my point is unless you deal with the issues that have stuffed full to shut them the hell up nothing will be successful...even the band will fail.

I put everyone else first, I felt unworthy. I did not treasure the body that helped create and nourish my babies, I did not listen when it gave me subtle hints that it was sick and suffering. I am so tuned in now it freaks me out a little bit. I have put myself at the top of the list and you know what? The whole world didn't end. My kids are surviving just fine, hubby too. One advantage of the band is that it makes you focus on you and your body. You have to know when you are full. You plan your meals, you take your vitamins (mostly) get your protein...It forces you to tune in and be aware. Thank you Claire (my band)

I struggle with this one. I have no true faith...scratch that, I have faith, it is just not defined. I feel like I have to let go of the things that are out of my hands and trust that I will know the difference between those things and the things I ultimately have total control over. I believe, I am listening, I am being guided....and on occasion the dark side grabs'hold and leads me right to the chocolate.
I occasionally print out quotes or clip a passage or paragraph that moves me in some way. I guess at the moment this is a way of feeding my spirit. Recently I was listening to a CD on my way to work and found the message inspiring, thought I would share....
(side note: the music may not be for everyone...I am a fan of folk/rock...but the lyrics got to me today.. BE the change)

BE THE CHANGE you wish to see

Be the peace that sets you free
Be the love you want to feel
Be the cure that helps you heal
Be the dreams that you desire
Be the spark of your own fire
Be the future you inspire
Be the wings that take you higher

This journey is just that...a journey! There will be twists and turns and bumps and flats....and more importantly beautiful vistas, memories and shared experiences. Glad to be on it in such good company :)
I'm outta here for the weekend, headed to stay in a treehouse resort! Gonna zipline too, unless I chicken out. Have a good weekend everyone.


  1. You have me in tears - this really hit home!

  2. You gave me goosebumps---

    Thank you for sharing so honestly issues that have been troubling and weight-inducing. It's really making me think about things.

  3. Great post. And although its your story, we can all relate to it in one way or another. Thanks!

  4. Very inspirtational post! It sounds like you've got your stuff together and are dealing just fine. Glad to hear you are putting yourself first, that is not easy! You go girl!


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