Thursday, December 31, 2009

Happy New Year!

Well, I have been looking at this blank post page for the last two hours trying to come up with a post of resolutions. I think fear has me stuck. I mean really, how many years have we resolved to lose weight only to fail? NOT. ANY. MORE.

I've always loved when the calendar turns. It feels new, clean and optimistic (at least in the beginning, lol) I like to fill in all the important dates on a fresh calendar. Look for what day my b/d falls on and even though nothing but the date has changed there is a feeling that we can let go of the past years failures whatever they might be.

Am I in a better place than this time last year? YES! I am more healthy at nearly 60 lbs. lighter. I have dealt with some demons that had a hand in me being unhealthy (mind, body & spirit) and I have for the first time in my life put myself first, made my happiness, health and dreams a priority. This is huge people!
But I can't help but want more and this scares me! Now that I have had a taste it has made me want more, feel entitled to more, deserving of more....but more what? I have not figured that out yet.

So here goes the short list
I resolve to:

Follow the bandster rules (water, vitamins, protein first, work out)

Live more simply, with less STUFF.

And lastly, curb my co-dependent habits

I wish you all happiness, luck and good health in the new year.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

better get it in gear Jen

Just wanted to say Merry Christmas All! Hope Santa is good to each and every one of you!

I'm going to try to kick it into high gear today and finish my shopping and gather up the groceries for our Christmas meal. I'm going to take the mother-in-law and make a day of it.

It will be fun, It will be fun, It will be fun.....that's my mantra for the day!

I'm not without motivation, my Old Navy pj's, a couple Ativan and an ipod loaded with Martin Sexton will be waiting for me at the end of the day.

xoxo - Jen

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Breathe in, Breathe out....move on

Sometimes I just need to chill.
I haven't quite learned how to let go of all the things that really and truly are out of my control.
But I am working on it,
I am a work in progress.

Yes, I have been a little overwhelmed lately.
Possible reasons:
Not sleeping well
kid/school issue
traffic tickets
being laid off
missing my friends & family
dark short days....

Can I control any of this? Not really.... Breathe in, Breath out....move on (Jimmy Buffett)

So, how am I dealing since I can't, scratch that WON'T hide under the covers with a bag of cheetos and a kit kat chaser?

I drag my ass out of bed
face the day
go through the motions
try to smile
blast some ani difranco (or any other angry chick music as my DH calls it)

I sure hope this funk passes soon because I can barely stand

and I will leave you with this:

And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled 'till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store. What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more.
~ Dr. Seuss

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

No title, just feeling sorry for myself

I'm unmotivated, uninterested, unimpressed and unhappy!

Nothing to do with my band or this process mind you, in fact, that is my only happy spot :)

I'm just so tired of being the only one to keep it together...Sometimes I just want to fuck up royally and see how they would all react! Do something, you know? Like get in a bar fight (but I don't drink) or get a traffic ticket (but I don't speed) Or actually throw all the dishes they left in the sink out in the freaking yard. (but, nope...I wash them)

It is my own fault really...well, the things I allow. The rest of it is just me, I follow rules, I am not a thrill seeker and I like order. They know it and abuse it.
With every single layer that is removed from me... the more pissed off I get.

I deserve more, at least as much as I give....

I see some big changes coming in 2010 and I am freaked the hell out!

That's enough for now. Going to go find my Ativan and calm the "F" down.

Friday, December 11, 2009

No one tells you.....

No one tells you how much colder you'll get after WLS and weight loss in general. I have found that I am not alone with this. I AM SO COLD! All the time, even back in Sept. when it was still quite warm.
We here in Southern Oregon have been in a cold snap and on the mountain where I live it has been 12-14 degrees overnight and has warmed to a high of 24! (I think today is supposed to be a heat wave - 30's) I live on a small ranch and our heat source is wood. If the fire dies down the temp drops fast in this house! Brrrr...
Remember me bitching about our well drying up in the summer....well yesterday we had pipes freeze and burst and hubby has them nearly fixed. I've been hauling 5 gallon buckets of water to my horse as all of those pipes froze up too (good work out at least)
Had my 6th fill on Wednesday. I got .3 cc's This puts me at 8.4 roughly in my realize band.(this is half of my un-fill back) I am losing slowly but steady, gaining muscle and losing fat! I feel I have great restriction (today) and I am rarely hungry. I need to work on increasing my water intake but it is so cold I am drinking tea & coffee mostly.
Something I have found much easier is going out to a meal. I can pretty much order from any menu without a lot of special requests. I find I can make 2 meals out of pretty much any order. I have become a fan of the roasted chicken from the grocery store. I drain all the drippings and throw the skin away when I get it home, then baggie it up for a few servings. It seems to stay moist even with reheating so I like that!
Better get moving, I have heaps of laundry piled up from the busted pipe situation.
Just thought I would post SOMETHING, even if it is a bunch of bitching. :)

Here are a couple pictures of one of our frozen ponds...

Monday, December 7, 2009

Alright, I've had it!

Enough with the 220's already! I'm just saying!

mood = discouraged!!!!!