Thursday, March 24, 2011

Is it really Thursday already?

Blogging while under the influence of my sleeping meds so please forgive any typos or wayward thoughts.

I can't believe it is Thursday already. The last week is such a blur. Husband update: Four 120mi R/T drives to the VA Hospital and still nothing firm although I will give them kudos for diving in to find out what is going on. Stroke is still the suspected thing and he had an MRI today so hope to know more on Monday. His kidney function is crazy bad but not sure why but lots of tests have been ran so here we wait. In the meantime he has been good about going each day but still dealing with dizziness and nausea and a numb tongue.

Thank you so much for the well wishes, support and prayers. I apologize for being absent. I don't know how far back I will get today in reading/commenting. Tomorrow (fingers crossed) will be a day to catch up, get some chores done, buy some food for the house. My poor skinny 6'3" 18 y/o is living on cereal. When the milk ran low today he ate a box of mac & cheese out of desperation.

Positive notes:
*I have not allowed myself to go into "take over" mode on his health care.
*I am assisting but making sure he is doing it for the most part. (This is huge! I am fighting the urge to take it all on but so far I haven't)
*I am firmly planted in onederland!
*I'm still working on my goal & getting the water in.
*I am allowing myself time to hike, talk to my friends or family to vent when needed.
*I need to shop for some size 12's as my 14's are sagging off my butt and I have to wash them in hot water before I leave the house.
*I bought two medium shirts. They were old navy medium, but still.... I have medium shirts hanging in my closet! I had got a couple large shirts the week before and realized they were big!
* and lastly, I have a plastics consult next Tuesday. Although, I will have to fight my insurance but I am willing to try.

That's about all I got for now... Zzzzzzz!

Oh wait! I keep meaning to post this little nugget I came up with for any cheesecake lovers out there.
Take a light laughing cow wedge - I think they are 35 calories/ 2g Protein. Unwrap and sprinkle a tiny shake of splenda and Cinnamon on top. Throw in the freezer for 20 min or so... The cinnamon lends the flavor of a graham cracker crust and is good for you. I liked it anyway!

Goodnight :)

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Happy Vernal Equinox! 'bout time! and update...

YAY! Spring is here, well according to the calendar anyway. I am so looking forward to longer, brighter days. This grey weather has to go! (unfortunately, we have a good week of it still ahead. Sigh)

I got the husband to go to the ER on Friday night. He had gone nearly a month with his symptoms (nausea, dizzy, loss of taste) well, Friday about 1/3 of his tongue went numb. I think it freaked him out enough to go.
They believe he has had a stroke. An MRI is needed this coming week to confirm and r/o anything else like a clot or tumor. He was released as there was not a lot they could do at that point.
When the Doctor told him he didn't believe that his taste or tongue numbness would revert I think it hit him pretty hard. (side note - he can speak and chew okay thankfully)

This part is about me.

SAD: I feel sad that he can't taste. That would suck. It hurts me because that is one thing that I know I am good at (cooking) and he has always appreciated.

ANGRY: I'm pissed. Mad that he didn't go early on although it wouldn't have changed much. Pissed that he has ignored a blood pressure of 200/110 for a few years. Really? What did you think would happen? Resentful that I could be put in a position to end up providing life altering care to someone who doesn't care for themselves.

GUILTY: I feel guilty that I quit on him. That I quit control of his medical care and treatment. It wasn't my job but I had made it so as I avoided my own self-care. I know that I am ultimately not responsible but my heart hurts thinking that I could have done more.

So that is about it. Tomorrow I see the therapist and my Rheumatologist then I will "assist" in getting his medical records to the VA for the MRI. It is going to be a busy Monday!

******Attn to any family/friends that read this. I don't think he is ready to share this news until he gets additional results. He doesn't want his Mom to know for sure. Please respect that this is my outlet and the views/thoughts are what "I" am going through. I don't want to feel like I have to edit this. Thank you :) *******

Friday, March 18, 2011

B.Y.O.C. Friday!

It’s BYOC Friday – Bring Your Own Crazy! Five little questions – some funny, some serious – that you can copy and paste to your blog. We do this in an effort to get to know each other better and to give our blogging brains a break! Enjoy!

1. Regardless of what stage you are in - in your weight loss, get healthy journey – do you still consider yourself “fat”? Was there a point when you stopped feeling that way?

Yes!I think I will always feel that way. I will never be a tiny person. I have always felt big (I am very tall) Even after getting out of the obese bracket, now I find I am in the fat side of normal (I use the word normal with a snicker) So there will always be work ahead but I will undoubtedly always feel fat.

2. Tell us about your first kiss.

ODL, It was in my barn, his name was Lee, he had longer, feathered hair like Matt Dillon in the 80's. I don't remember much about the kiss. Not sure what became of him either, I think he moved away.

3. Describe your parenting style (either current or what you hope to do or what you would do if you ever had kids)?

Ha-Ha Style? TOTAL PUSHOVER! I'm a wimp! I have overcompensated for their lack of a healthy Father. See, for us it went from on top of the world, own business, travel, no worries to pretty much overnight being on a fixed income, moving to another state. I have to say it has turned out okay. I have no regrets because they could have turned out to be spoiled brats.

4. How would your best friend describe you?

My best fried, Laura, would describe me as giving and trustworthy. She would call me shy for sure. I think she would give me kudos for being strong in sucky times.

5. Repeat question: Summarize your week in blog land and in real life.

Blog land was pretty quiet for me due to the power issue. I am still playing catch up.

Real life is about the same as my last gripe session. Husband is still refusing to go in to the ER. He has been in bed for weeks and still getting sick daily. He is to get a liver biopsy next Tuesday so I am hoping once there they can address his other issues.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Weekday Dish & updated ticker

Got to update my ticker today for my 20lb goal! I am 6.5 lbs down since 2/23.
I think I will make my 7/31 goal. Fingers crossed!

I have noticed in the last 10 lbs there have been more physical changes to my body. My legs are firmer (hiking is helping I am sure) and clothes are fitting very differently. In a good way.
I am not a shopper. I wear jeans if I go off the mountain. I am normally in PJ's/sweats/hoodies because my house is f'ing cold. I do have a reward item in mind for my 20lbs lost goal. It involves an item of clothing.
More on that when I hit it.

Thought I would do a weekday dish from yesterday, it was a HUGE eating day for me.
Calories: 1518 Protein: 81 (Thought I'd update that ticker before this catches up to me)

AM: Luna bar - nutz over chocolate

Coffee, water
11AM: 3/4C of Roast Beef Hash - I don't care for it but I had tossed everything from the fridge I had to resort to canned goods.

2PM: Jack in the box Churros (3) *sigh*


5PM: about 4oz of roasted pork tenderloin, 1/2 C of mashed potatoes with a spoonful of a fake out gravy (little flour in low sodium chicken broth) and one laughing cow wedge

300 calories on Churros! They were good though, I can't lie.

Today was supposed to be corned beef but when our power went out I threw it in the freezer and just remembered it today so I will be making it tomorrow.

What's your weekday dish?

Hello collar bones! NSV!

Wednesday, March 16, 2011


I have a lot of catching up and commenting to do today!

Sorry for the absence but we have been without power since Sunday afternoon. 55hrs!
Sunday afternoon a thunderclap so loud cracked over my house I thought it was an earthquake. It came out of nowhere, then we had lightning and high winds but it only lasted about 10 minutes. So crazy! It toppled a tree down the road that took out lines and two poles so it took a while to get restored.

Mountain living! It's not for the faint of heart.

Every winter we experience this but it is mostly due to snow. I have in the past enjoyed the quiet. When the kids were living at home we would put a puzzle together or play skip-bo. I always filled out my Christmas cards during the outage because it seemed to happen in late Nov. most often.

This time though, it was rough! My anxiety disorder is at peak wig-out mode. I never realized how much distraction I got from mindless tv or noise in the background, cooking, doing laundry... things that kept me busy during the day.
I'll explain how mine seems to go. I have racing thoughts. They keep me awake, cause panic attacks, can happen at any given moment. I know they are not logical, that the things I worry about are not likely to happen. It just doesn't stop my brain from going there. It is all internal. I don't "actually spaz out" but it is exhausting. The Ativan helps at night with sleep but not every night. During my awake time they can sort of take over. Sometimes even in mid conversation with my husband or son I will get lost for a second and have to ask them to repeat what they just said (which is frustrating to them because they think I just tune them out)

Wow, probably way more than anyone cares to know. But YAY! I have my internet back for now, it is snowing outside :/

The last couple of days eating wise has been strange. I couldn't log into myfitnesspal so I tried to keep it in check. We went to Denny's after the first day for a warm meal but I couldn't eat much. I did some snacking but it ended up being my meal, nothing too bad. Apple & PB, string cheese, stuff like that. I did almost eat a brownie I had hid in my freezer but I resisted but I ate a dark chocolate square instead.

I didn't get my hikes in Monday or yesterday but I will today for sure. I have to, totally craving it and I think my dog is too.

Well, I am off to try to catch up as best as I can.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Back to the basics - via Dinnerland

Dinnerland has posted a back to the basics evaluation of sorts over HERE

I've decided to participate and do some scoring of my own.

Back to basics-- how I'm doing

There are 10 band rules, and if each 1 is a point, then 10/10 would be perfect, 9/10 would be an 'A,' 8/10 would be a 'B,' etc...

Rule # 1: Eat 2-3 small meals a day only; eat only when hungry, and skipping meals is OK.

I average two meals a day with one protein based snack. (lately that has been a shake or bar) I have added this because I wanted to up my daily calories a bit to see if that helped move the scale. It has worked some. I average 1200 a day where I was under 1000 prior.
The one place I will score myself a little lower is only eating when hungry. If I am not feeling that hungry and the clock is pushing past 6pm I eat something even if it is light in nature. I do so to avoid a late night binge. Normally we have dinner by 4:30 - 5 so it is not an issue often.

Score: .75/1

Rule # 2: Eat slowly (wait at least 30 seconds between bites) and chew thoroughly; the goal is masticate food until it is almost liquidated in your mouth.

Hmmm, I chew well but I don't think I wait long enough before bites. It depends on the food I guess. If it is something I am cutting up like a chicken breast I take more time between bites but softer things like fish I can inhale pretty fast.

Score: .5/1

Rule # 3: Stop eating as soon as you feel full

I don't get a real feeling of fullness ever. on the flip side, I don't get a real feeling of hunger. I measure out portions as I am logging calories while trying to bust this last bit off. I am going to score it as a 1 but as my green zone fades (hope not soon) that might change too
Score: 1/1

Rule # 4: Don’t drink while you are eating

I have never broken this rule since being banded. I don't think I did much drinking w/meals prior so it may have been easier for me. I have been told that drinking closer to the start of a meal is okay but to really avoid after for at least 90min.

Score: 1/1

RULE # 5: Don’t eat between meals

I haven't got the munchies/snack attacks in a while but it think that is because I am at a great fill level. If I do reach for something I try to make it count like 2-3 walnut halves or a string cheese. This would be mostly if dinner was being delayed for some reason. I think on this one I am okay.

Score: 1/1

Rule # 6: Eat only fresh food

I'm sort of a food snob and cook fresh most days. I try not to use any overly processed foods. I will use canned beans and red sauces but most meals include a fresh veggie and protein.

Score: 1/1

Rule # 7: Avoid extremely fibrous foods

Asparagus, which I love, was one of the first foods I lost. :( I still use celery but only in soups where I know it will be okay to eat. I also avoid anything with skin/casing No hot dogs, polish sausage or skin on chicken.

Score: 1/1

Rule # 8: Drink enough water during the day; avoid carbonated beverages, which can give you gas pains.

I think I am good on the water. a min. of 64oz most days and if I add in coffee and tea water that goes much higher.
I have not had ONE carbonated beverage since being banded. I do miss sparkling water though. I loved that.

Score: 1/1

Rule # 9: Only drink no-calorie or very low-calorie drinks

Aside from water I consume coffee and decaf tea. With my coffee I allow creamer as part of my logged calories because that is how I enjoy it. It is worth it to me. I am allergic to alcohol so I don't have to worry to much about liquid calories there.

Score: 1/1

Rule # 10: Exercise at least 30 minutes a day

I'm rocking this one! but only since the beginning of Feb. I do at least 45 min of hiking 6 days a week. I have gone 1hr - 1hr+ on quite a few of those days.

Score: 1/1

Total score: 9.25 out of a possible 10.

Hey, not too shabby! But remember this, it only took one year, seven months, one week and six days to get to an A! Had I done this last month or the month before that I would be repeating this class for sure.

That is the one thing I have come to realize is that the band is there... waiting for you to utilize it for the tool that it is. When you F up it is still there and that is comforting. I know this because I basically took 2010 off from working the band. I was lucky in that I lost over all for the year but mentally (and physically) I was not there to do the required work on my end.

I'm working my way back now and my band is holding my hand (as long as I respect it)

What's your score?

Friday, March 11, 2011

B.Y.O.C. - XXX Rated version

Via Draz (and her curious followers)
BYOC – Bring Your Own Crazy - *usually* 5 harmless questions we answer to get to know each other better. (today we’re gonna get to know each other better than our own mothers do I’m afraid) Also used as a break for your blogging brain. Copy and paste if you dare.

For those of you who would love to answer but are afraid of who might be reading your blog don't forget about the safe blog!

I'm going to clarify before answering that I have a very open view on intimacy. For those new followers, I am an erotic blogger of about five + years. In the words of my old boss when talking about erotic blogging he asked "How do you come up with new stuff? I mean, really! There are only so many ways to skin a cat"

This is very true and even more so when your audience/followers are following based on the topic/genre of your blog. Mine happens to focus on "Topping from below" which in S&M terms is when you are submissive until you see an opening and then become the master. Make sense?

Moving on...

1. What is your favorite position for sex?
I'd have to say it depends on where I am. If say at a hotel (which is like an adult playground) I'd answer with being bent over anything that doesn't move..

(ODL, please don't judge me. I'm just being honest)

A favorite is hard to nail down (get it?) like I said, it would depend on where I was.

2. How many orgasms have you had in a 24 hour period?
Damn, it's been a while. 5-6 maybe? Yes, it was at a hotel.

3. Do you like to be spanked?
Not really my thing. Shocked are we?
I don't mind teeth in my shoulder as long as no skin gets broke.

4. Do you think it’s ever okay to fake an orgasm – and when/why? (for real – this is a serious ? a follower wants to know)

YES! I think it is okay as long as it is for the right reason. If you're tired or distracted and know you are not going to get there (and you have a partner who makes a point of caring if you do or not)

I'd say No! if you are avoiding talking about an unsatisfying love life with someone you plan to spend your life with.

5.Repeat question #5. Summarize your week in blogland and in real life.

Blogland is awesome. The support over my freak out is appreciated. I hope to explain a bit more in a future post. BUT I THANK YOU ALL!
I had a meet up recently and that is always cool. I am excited to see the Texas & NY gang planning a bandster lunch.

Real life? N/A

Attn: Hawaii Bound Bandster

Your blog is not allowing comments. (could be a setting after you changed layout)

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

If you cry in the middle of the forest.... Can anyone hear you?

The answer is yes. Especially if you are sitting on a stump sending out mass text messages to your children.

(This is not a band related post, fair warning)

My husband is ill, That is not new news. Lately (last couple of weeks) he has been struggling. Sleeping tons, throwing up, severe pain in his right side. He has liver disease so my thoughts turn to that in respect to where he is hurting. He is also a stubborn SOB.

I've asked him everyday for two weeks if he was ready to go to the ER. (the VA is where he seeks treatment but they haven't done crap for him but give him medication after medication) Everyday his answer is "Not today" I am so fucking sick of it. Just get your ass off the bed and go to an ER already. Instead he wakes up all night long, in pain, takes a hand full of whatever is in reach. Oxy, vicodin and checks back out. Then I can't go back to sleep. Not that I am trying to make it all about me but it has an impact on my life.

Today in the forest after my hike I planned an intervention with our children. If he won't go for him and he won't go for me perhaps he will go for them. You'd think, right?

That would be a BIG FAT NO!

When I returned to the house I told him that he needed to go or the kids would be up this afternoon to see to it that he went. I thought he was going to throw something at me. Good thing his side is hurting him or he probably would have. He said He is not going, that it is his body.


Aren't all bets off when you have a wife and children. Or is that just for Mothers? I mean, don't you want to live to see your grandkids or your child get married? (or perhaps reverse that order)

You know, if that man dies before June of this year I get squat! Nada! Nothing from the VA. With my luck he will hold out till May 31. That sounds cold. I don't mean it to but 26 years earns me the right to think about what I have vested in this. And that includes his pension and my medical coverage.

Holy Bat Shit! She's a going off!
Sorry for the rant but it really takes a lot to piss me off and I am so ticked I had to take an Ativan and I gave up my afternoon coffee for Lent so I am cranky....

So I am debating having the kiddo's even waste the time, fuel and energy on this. They've witnessed it for years. I guess it is my last ditch effort. I can't stand the thought of him telling them no. (which reads to me... you are not important enough for me to fight for)

I understand he is not himself, that depression, pain, painkillers have taken over his life. But where is the fight? He has all day, everyday (retired) to focus on his health. Lord knows I have taken over every other responsibility in our marriage, plus my own battles with health and happiness.

So... there it is. My day so far.


to be continued......

Tuesday, March 8, 2011


I sure haven't had much to blog about so I have been trying to keep up with reading.

I had a good time meeting up with the Oregon/WA group last Saturday. That is wayyyyyyy outside my comfort zone as I am super shy but it was fun.

The drive (only 2hrs.) was fine other than my stupid overactive bladder/IC. Nothing like two stops each way. Geesh! I knew to allow extra time but it really is an inconvenience. The Vesicare is not doing much to help with it. I have been tracking my "visits" on a white board and then logging it on my Fitness Pal just to watch for trends and have a record. Nothing like an average of 16 times a day! I am sure the 60-80 oz of water and coffee doesn't help.

This week so far has been busy, to clarify, busy for me. Probably not for the normal person. I had a second visit with the head doc and am feeling very hopeful that some of my anxiety disorder can be addressed without drugging me into numbness. He reminds me of my 5th grade teacher that is sort of weird. So far it has just been the normal getting to know you sessions without any plans of action. I was given an assignment the previous visit to take a blank piece of paper and write/draw/doodle what ever pops in my head. I didn't know how much a simple request like that could put me into a panic. What if I write this and he thinks I am nuts? What if I don't do it at all and he thinks I not committed? This went on for days! Finally, in true college days fashion, I busted it out at midnight the day of the appointment. I don't know what he got from it. I'll have to ask him next time.

I have managed to keep up with my hour hikes the last three days. Sunday being the hardest. I laid around all day worn out from the driving/anxiety from the day before. I have a reminder set in my blackberry that goes off at the same time every day. It says GET UP, MOVE, DO SOMETHING! I reset it 6 times but I made it out of the house and did it. Felt pretty good to dismiss that reminder when it popped up again. Score!

The picture is when I made it to the top of the hill where I promptly Collapsed! It was the most I had ever pushed myself....

Until today! Today I went for more and then I collapsed :)

Today was the yearly visit to the dermatologist where I got a lovely spot treated. That shit hurts! I also took my dog to the vet for an ear infection. I swear this Doctor stuff is a serious full time job. I am glad I am able to do it while I have time but I am still job hunting although I am really not sure I am in a place where I could pull off the F/T grind again. I would have to try...but I have doubts I am well enough, YET!

Trouble riding shotgun....

BORING, I know but I am trying to stay in the habit posting something... anything!

~ Jen

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Head Doctor & Power outages

Monday was my day for a little head doctoring!

Head Doc #1 - I think I commented somewhere recently that I had received THE WORST HAIRCUT EVER IN MY ENTIRE LIFE! The friend I mentioned (who is due in a couple days) is my hairdresser but she has not been working so I went somewhere else, big mistake! Long story short, She fixed it for me. I still have some work to do with it but I'm not crying about it anymore.

Head Doc #2 - I went to my first session with my new therapist. I'm gonna delve deep people. Being labeled as having PTSD and Anxiety Disorder is not really okay with me. So here we go again. I am encouraged to learn some tools beyond "Blame your parents" which seems like I have received all my other attempts.

Head Doc #3 - Well, not really a Doc but I made it to a support group! (banding group) I don't think I have physically or mentally been able to get to one since August, 2010. I need to make that more of a priority. It always offers something.

Yesterday, around 2am our power went out due to wind. I had a big day ahead and needed my coffee. As I posted on Facebook "Need is the mother of invention".
I ground my beans up using the AC plug in my SUV and boiled my water on my BBQ burner. (I french press my coffee - reads coffee Snob)

So In Your Face Mother Nature!

I got my coffee anyhow.

With the two busy days I didn't get my hikes in but I was careful with calories. Today, with nowhere to be I was so ready to get out there and climb! 1hr 20min today!

Go Me!

:) Jen