Saturday, June 5, 2010

Losing my marbles

I'm seriously losing it my peeps.
Not really sure how to fix it but I have way too much responsibility and I am making mistake after mistake I think due to the stress of it "ALL"

Today was my breaking point. Back in March my youngest son (17) got a ticket and he was allowed traffic school ($29.00 vs. $287.00 ticket) Not to mention that it would not increase our already crazy insane monthly insurance bill. He had until June to complete it. I kept the paper work, put a reminder in my blackberry and in my head had June 24th in the back of my mind. Well, remember I drowned my BB and got a new one... lost all my shit! I still had the paper. I went to sign him up for the online school today and re-read the paper. YUP! June 4th.

F*CK!

My fault as you see I have not let go of my co-dependent behavior. I have to manage everything...or the world will fall apart. So, what happens when I fall apart? Shit gets f*ucked up! Guess who takes the blame? YUP, me.

Wow, not sure if I've ever posted such a crappy post. I need to learn to roll with the punches little better.

I'm married but I have no partner (He is checked out on pain medicine) I am so frustrated that he does not see the stress I am under on a daily basis. I'm so pissed off! It is not just about the ticket but everything... I'm trying to figure my way through this somehow but I don't know where to start. How do I learn to let things go? I wish I could make a to-do list for all my household dwellers and just know it will get done. I can't, I've tried, It doesn't...

Work is crazy, hella stress there too as the other gal will be out and we are training people at another office to do what we do... it doesn't feel good to know you are teaching someone who makes less to possibly replace you.

Said Son mentioned above turns 18 this month so we lose his benefits (from his fathers disability) that is a $1600.00 a month hit. UGGGH!

I've been forgetting to pay bills, send BD cards, buy milk & kitty litter.. It is all on me. Just the littlest of tasks at the moment seem to paralyze me. Just thinking of what to make for dinner is enough to make me cry.

Is this depression?

I opened my mail a couple of days ago and the place where I had my surgery is having a workshop on Monday evening that I am attending.
It is called "Get out of Overwhelm Easily"
Here is what the header reads:
Feel like you are holding back because you have too much on your plate?

Numbing yourself to quiet the chatter from your inner critic?

Feel overwhelmed from the day to day responsibilities you have, let alone the additional work on big goals?

I'd say the timing for this is pretty good, hope I get something out of the workshop. If not, I am thinking I need to hit the therapy couch again.....soon!

Sorry for the vent but Jen "IS" gonna lose it!

on the upside, my kitty knew I needed some love today and he jumped on my lap for a snuggle :) And yes I AM still in my pj's... what of it? lol


23 comments:

  1. Cute kitty...our animals know how to make us feel better! Good timing for the workshop! Hang in there and have a margarita! Happy weekend!

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  2. I wouldn't call it depression but anxiety. Being responsible for everything is too damn hard. Sounds like maybe you need someone to vent to on a regular basis and to try and delegate as much as possible. I hope you feel better soon.

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  3. I hope you feel better soon. I think that workshop sounds great and I'm a big fan of the therapy couch, couldn't hurt to double up. Good luck and vent to us anytime!

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  4. Can't believe I haven't been following you - why didn't you tell me sooner? LOL

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  5. Sorry to hear everything going on. Sounds WAY too familiar. You are definitely on overload/stressed right now. The workshop sounds like a GREAT idea, go for it!

    Glad your kitty gave you some loving.

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  6. Oh sweetie - I'm stressed just reading that. You can only do what you can do. If I were there I'd make you soup and make you sit in a bubble bath and over and over tell you:
    "Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, then it's not the end."

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  7. Sounds like you need to get the menfolk on board with providing a little household support in some form or fashion. We're not really as helpless as we like you to think...

    Good luck not drowning in the stress overload...

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  8. Sounds like that workshop could not have come at a better time. Hang int there Jen...better times are comining honey.

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  9. Ugh! I think we women put way too much responsibility on ourselves. I tend to be just like you. Now that the kids are grown and gone I try to keep tabs on them and they all live in a different state than I do! I hope therapy will help you. I know it does me.

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  10. Hang in there...Hope to see you at the seminar

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  11. I am the same way when I get overwhelmed, and like you I have trouble sharing my burden. Depression can show itself in more ways than just the "blues". It might be worth a trip to your doctor.

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  12. That sucks Jen!! I read somewhere once that most people who are depressed are depressed because a lot of bad crap happened to them...it sounds like if nothing else the stress is way crazy. I was where you are last fall and winter. I got off the crazy train by dropped to part time (not possible for you i'm sure) but..is there some other crazy train stuff you can dump off?

    Teenagers do not help!!

    Are you going to be coming up my way soon? I will totally meet you for a beer :)Screw coffee :)

    Tina

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  13. OMG...you poor thing...so much to cope with all by yourself. Will DH get better??? I hope the workshop helps and yes you could well be depressed...no shame in it...perhaps you should talk to a DR....sending big fat hugs your way!!!

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  14. Definitely not depression, but stress does so much to the body. You definitely need to make a list and ask your son to help you out on some things. I know it can be tough when a partner is ill and you need to take on the added tasks/issues/daily chores etc.... only do the necessary things, the things that have to be done...stuff the rest! until you feel you can cope a little more.... sending you hugs

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  15. Girl, you've got A LOT going on. That's not news to you, I know. Definitely make it to the workshop, I hope it will help and give you some strategies to come up for air. Hang in there, I'm thinking of you.

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  16. I think the notice of the seminar was karma. I hope you get something out of it. Jen IS going to lose it but just might need to put herself first. Perhaps the son should have remembered. Lesson learned. It is one of the hardest things for me not to try to run my kids (24 and 26) lives although now they tell me to butt out. Just stay in your pj's and stroke the cat. You will both get the love then.

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  17. You definitely have a lot going on. Sounds like the workshop is happening at the perfect time. Take care of yourself and get the kids to help out with the lower priorty things so that you can focus on the big stuff. You can't keep doing it all. Hope your DH gets well soon. Take care.

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  18. The pj's and kitty give you hope!

    Clinically speaking, it might not be a bad idea to see your primary care for a regular physical, and also to rule out depression.

    Meditation is amazing for learning to let things go...

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  19. Glad to have found your blog - I can SO relate!!

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  20. Oh, we have all been there. Is there anyway you can talk to someone for some help? My insurance offers Employee Assistance program where they help you find a professional. If not, is there a family member or friend? Sometimes it helps to know we aren't alone. You definately are not! Take a deep breath. I hope you work it out.

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  21. Wow! I just popped over after I saw your note card (and laughed on Jack Sh*t's blog). Quite the post to meet you, huh? I felt overwhelmed just reading it. Hang in there.
    Laurie

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  22. Okay, here's my adivce. Take a deep, calming breath, and let everything go. Get a wall calander to write appointments and such on, that way if your BB decides to impersonate Michael Phelps again, you're covered, download a grocery list app for your phone (I have Grocery IQ on my iPod, works great and it was free), assign tasks to the family to help take some weight off of you (even if it's as simple as you cook dinner, you do dishes, and you do the laundry). If they don't want to do it, tell them tough cookies. You have to start taking care of yourself, otherwise you will lose it, and it won't be pretty.

    Try giving yourself an hour or two each day that's just you time. Do you work out? Have you tried yoga and/or meditation? Maybe even take a day where you just get out of the house and do for you. Go see a movie, then buy yourself something you want. It can be as small as a new coffee mug or hair clip, the fact that you're doing something for you will help.

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  23. Jen --You're in my thoughts and prayers-

    Be kind to yourself!!

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