Wednesday, March 9, 2011

If you cry in the middle of the forest.... Can anyone hear you?

The answer is yes. Especially if you are sitting on a stump sending out mass text messages to your children.

(This is not a band related post, fair warning)

My husband is ill, That is not new news. Lately (last couple of weeks) he has been struggling. Sleeping tons, throwing up, severe pain in his right side. He has liver disease so my thoughts turn to that in respect to where he is hurting. He is also a stubborn SOB.

I've asked him everyday for two weeks if he was ready to go to the ER. (the VA is where he seeks treatment but they haven't done crap for him but give him medication after medication) Everyday his answer is "Not today" I am so fucking sick of it. Just get your ass off the bed and go to an ER already. Instead he wakes up all night long, in pain, takes a hand full of whatever is in reach. Oxy, vicodin and checks back out. Then I can't go back to sleep. Not that I am trying to make it all about me but it has an impact on my life.

Today in the forest after my hike I planned an intervention with our children. If he won't go for him and he won't go for me perhaps he will go for them. You'd think, right?

That would be a BIG FAT NO!

When I returned to the house I told him that he needed to go or the kids would be up this afternoon to see to it that he went. I thought he was going to throw something at me. Good thing his side is hurting him or he probably would have. He said He is not going, that it is his body.


Aren't all bets off when you have a wife and children. Or is that just for Mothers? I mean, don't you want to live to see your grandkids or your child get married? (or perhaps reverse that order)

You know, if that man dies before June of this year I get squat! Nada! Nothing from the VA. With my luck he will hold out till May 31. That sounds cold. I don't mean it to but 26 years earns me the right to think about what I have vested in this. And that includes his pension and my medical coverage.

Holy Bat Shit! She's a going off!
Sorry for the rant but it really takes a lot to piss me off and I am so ticked I had to take an Ativan and I gave up my afternoon coffee for Lent so I am cranky....

So I am debating having the kiddo's even waste the time, fuel and energy on this. They've witnessed it for years. I guess it is my last ditch effort. I can't stand the thought of him telling them no. (which reads to me... you are not important enough for me to fight for)

I understand he is not himself, that depression, pain, painkillers have taken over his life. But where is the fight? He has all day, everyday (retired) to focus on his health. Lord knows I have taken over every other responsibility in our marriage, plus my own battles with health and happiness.

So... there it is. My day so far.


to be continued......


  1. My heart goes out to you. There are no easy answers for situations like these. It's a catch-22 for your kids to get involved. If they don't they, themselves, might regret it later. If they do, they might get hurt. Chances are, they are already hurt, though.

    I think you have every right to be angry about this situation and to also be watching out for your future interests. I am praying that he gets the help he needs for this pain - he doesn't have to live this way.

    You all are in my thoughts and prayers!

  2. I am so sorry you have to go through this. I don't know what else to say to offer comfort, so I'll just send a hug!

  3. No wonder your health is suffering. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I hope you find a little comfort knowing that we care!

  4. Hang in there...big HUGS. You have my number if you need to talk. :)

  5. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I wish I had some words of wisdom, but I don't. It's amazing how much our loved ones can hurt us the most.

  6. I'm glad you can at least get some anger out here. You have every right to be angry at him.
    Maybe rethink the Lenten sacrifice - you may need some coffee.
    Take care!

  7. So sorry, Jen. I think you should have your kids come and try to talk to him. He may brush them off too, but you never know what might get through to him.

    The drugs he's taking are probably a big factor in his inability to function. Oxy especially saps the life out of you. It is a great pain killer, but it is very addictive and can interfere with eating, drinking, sleep, activity - pretty much everything.

    Don't feel bad for being angry. He does have a responsibility to take care of his health and it sounds like he isn;t doing it.

  8. You have every right to feel angry and sad and cry and and and....I agree with you about everything! The first thing I thought about when David ended up in the ER last year was we had better have life insurance in order (I think this is natural and perfect common sense!). By bringing in the children you can at least say you have done everything you can.

    Wishing you all the best of luck and relief from the stubborn.


  9. I am so sorry you are going through this. Men, in particular can be so freakin' stubborn when it comes to health.
    I wish I had some words of wisdom. Keep hiking, even if it means tears in the woods.

  10. My heart breaks for you Jen. I will keep you in my prayers and pray that he has a change of heart and goes to the ER for some type of treatment.

  11. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. I don't know what else to say. ((big hugs))

  12. The role of a care provider is really really hard...You've had a lot on your shoulders and all your feelings are justifiable...Hang in Virtual HUG TO YOU!!!! I"m sorry that your family is going through this.

  13. *hugs* I'm sorry that he is being so stubborn. I hope he can see the light and get the treatment that he needs.

  14. I'm sorry, hon. I can't imagine how frustrated you are. Hopefully, he'll realize before it's too late that treatment/pain management is probably as easy as a trip to the hospital (even the dodgy VA one). :(

  15. Sorry Jen. I hope he comes around very soon. He is so deep in his own pain he can't see how he is hurting you and the kids.

    On the positive side, you look beautiful in your post-hike pic! :) Hang in there, and keep hiking.

  16. I'm sending you hugs. I wish there were answers. I can't imagine the frustration.

  17. I am so sorry you are going through this. I hope tomorrow is a better day for both of you. {{{HUGS}}}

  18. Although I haven't been through anything like this, I can see that it is causing you a great deal of stress. It would be nice to think that receiving so many warm comments could help you in some way...

  19. Jen, I know how frustrating and hurtful it is when someone you care about is refusing to seek help. I deal with the same thing with my partner. I've been dealing with his stubborn negative arse, in terms of deteriorating health, for 4 years now. I wish I could tell you it gets better.. but I can only tell you that I completely understand and empathize with your situation.. It's amazing how much we are affected by the guy's we love, and their refusal to take care of themselves. I am sure his refusing has nothing to do with his love for you and your children. And yes, from my experience it is a Mother thing, to look at all aspects of an issue and decide what needs to happen based upon EVERYONE's needs, not our own desires. Typically MOMs are the caretakers, and part of taking care of others is taking care of ourselves. You have every right to consider the future and what will possibly happen because your husband isn't doing what he needs to do. It is perfectly logical, and reasonable! Don't ever doubt yourself. I hope and pray that he will see the light and seek the help he needs, for the whole family's sake. Stay strong, and keep blogging.

  20. I'm late here, but man I'm so sorry you're going through all this. I pray and hope that he turns around soon, but the crass and practical side of me says - do what ever you need to do to keep him going until June - whether he likes it or doesn't. I'm sending all the good vibes I have to you!

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